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JACK'S SUNDAY FUNNIES
On my answering machine I say, "I'm sorry I'm not here right now. I'll try again later."
Misty was sniffling. She said, "I'm all stuffed up!" I said, "By Elvis Presley."
SONG TITLE: "If You Won't Leave Me I'll Find Somebody Who Will"
My new book: "I WAS A COUNTRY SINGER FOR THE FBI."
There's a bug flying around my face. I hate facebugs!
My jokes are too old fashioned for our young hip friends.
I've got to stop using references like "zoot suit", "Hubba hubba",
"saddle shoes", "23 skidoo", and "Boop boopa doop".
A side effect of my new medicine is Involuntary tap dancing.
I had a dislocated shoulder, but later I located it.
I can't wait to be a hundred and four. No peer pressure.
A lady said, "Didn't you used to be somebody famous?"
I said, "No, I used to be Jack Blanchard."
THE CAR WON'T START. The good news: We'll always know where it is.
Some people were looking at Misty. She said, "They're watching me like I'm a hawk."
Misty says, "You're growing old with grace and Grace is getting sick of it."
We couldn't afford to get the brakes fixed, so we had the horn made louder.
We live on a one-way dead end street.
I hate furbishers! You always have to get it redone.
Strangers have the best candy.
GOOD MORNING! GOOD MORNING! IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY!
I leap out of bed, crack my toe on a chair, do a two minute pain dance, and pass out.
I said. "I have hip pain." The doctor said, "Cool!"
Misty said, "What do you want to do on your birthday?" I said, "Sit up."
I didn't know Misty was outside when I locked the door. She knocked.
I looked through the window at her and said, "Who is it?"
WHAT I WANT SOMEBODY TO SAY AT MY FUNERAL...
"I thought I saw him move."