Sunday, May 24, 2020

HOW I BECAME A MUSICIAN Jack Blanchard's Column May 24, 2020




Thousands of intelligent good-looking readers


To our readers at home and around the world:
As you are, we're busy trying to cope with this pandemic,
so we're sending you a few column reruns, the cheerier ones.
Love, Jack & Misty.

CHEERING US ALL UP

HOW I BECAME A MUSICIAN

God looked down and said, "I think you need some help getting girls."

My first instrument was the bassinet.

GOOD MORNING: I leapt out of bed, banged my toe on a chair,
did a two minute pain dance, and passed out.

A goldfish has a memory of three seconds, or was it..., no. I forget.

"And those seen dancing were thought to be insane
by those who could not hear the music." Nietzsche

The old guy said, "How 'bout a date, baby?"
She said, "Get lost."
He said, "I AM lost!"

Everybody has his own idea of a good time.
A moth likes to bang his head on a porch light.

I like Karaoke Bars. I could eat one right now.

My Little Golden Book: "Strangers Have the Best Candy."

I said, "The world is getting overpopulated."
Misty said, "I wonder what's causing it?"

I said to the lady at the bookstore, "Can you direct me to the self-help section?"
She said, "Wouldn't that sorta defeat the purpose?"

"IRRITABLE VOWEL SYNDROME": A Fear of the alphabet.

HEADLINE: "China may be using the sea to hide their submarines!"

Misty just said, "There are two mockingbirds out there mocking each other."

If you swim in the sea and a fish bites your knee THAT'S A MORAY.

I didn't know Misty was outside when I locked the door. She knocked.
I looked through the window at her and said, "Who is it?"

They say all life is precious. I wouldn't give you two cents for a fruit fly.

After all these years I'm still thinking about the sexy girls in my high school.
After all these years those girls are thinking about Bingo.

Misty said, "What do you want to do on your birthday?" I said, "Sit up."

My Aunt Bess once posed nude for a famous photographer.
He never looked up from his newspaper,
and she was barred for life from the lobby of the Biltmore Hotel.

Misty was sniffling. She said, "I'm all stuffed up!"
I said, "By Elvis Presley."

I said, "CAN I HAVE A BURGER AND FRIES?"
The lady said, "This is a library."
I whispered, "can i have a burger and fries?"

I just bought a camouflage cap and I can't find it.

A side effect of my new medicine is Involuntary tap dancing.

I said to the pilot, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

We watched Star Trek tonight. The Enterprise was attacked by Kardashians.

One night we checked into a lodge on top of a mountain at Lake Arrowhead, California.
We got up the next morning, pulled the cord on the drapes that covered a whole wall,
and they opened onto a wall-sized picture window.
Outside, the mountain forest was covered with two feet of new snow,
without a sign of life, except for some rabbit tracks.
The pine cones were as big as footstools.
A real-life Christmas card... In California… in June.

Jack Blanchard



Jack Blanchard & Misty Morgan..
Videos: https://www.youtube.com/user/jackandmisty.
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/jackandmisty
Billboard Duet of the Year, Grammy and CMA Finalists.
Home Page: http://www.jackandmisty.net 


© Jack Blanchard, 2020




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