SELECTED SHORT SUBJECTS
It's a beautiful sunny afternoon here in Florida...
a day when a person just can't try to be angry without giggling,
My life is like a bunch of snapshots on a page.
I remember only snippets of my existence...
a still shot here, a bit of conversation there.
Maybe someday I'll get senile and remember it all.
Christmas shopping with my parents
on snowy evenings in magical downtown Buffalo.
We didn't need Narnia.
Gentle flurries fell from the dark sky, steam rose from sidewalk grates,
and strangers laughed and spoke friendly greetings to each other.
Misty and I used to stay up all night on the Ralph Emery show on WSM,
often with Tex Ritter and Marty Robbins.
WSM Nashville a was 50,000 watt clear channel station,
broadcasting to much of the Western Hemisphere.
When we came to buy a place here, the guy said "Do you have a criminal record?"
I said, "Is it required?"
Jackie Gleason and I debated spiritualism for 12 minutes on TV.
I let him win. There's a video of it around here someplace.
On TV they showed a soccer player make an impossible goal.
The announcer said, "It's like they're threading a needle with their feet."
Misty said, "I'd rather see that."
I said, "I gotta fix the bathroom light switch,"
Misty said, "More power to ya."
I said, "Is that our boat leaving?"
I said, "What are we having tonight?" Misty said, "Macaroni."
I said, "Mickey Rooney?" She said, "With cheese."
I said, "I think that thunderstorm is gonna miss us."
Misty said, "That's what it wants you to think."
We were out of raisin-bran so I had to put raisins from a box on a bowl of bran flakes.
It's like hiding your own Easter eggs.
when it was minus 35 degrees and windy in Minnesota,
Misty and I stayed in a cement floor cabin on a lake shore.
I heard what sounded like whale sounds.
It was the frozen lake groaning as it expanded.
We had recently had such bad times that we were thankful to be there
with friends close by at Christmas. We didn't mind the cold.
Misty came in from the porch sniffling. She said, "I'm all stuffed up!"
I said, "By Elvis Presley."
Misty bought two pretty pink coffee cups at The Dollar store.
I said, "Do they have lead in them?"
She said, "Do you have to take all the joy out of poison?!"
Misty and I once bought a raggedy old limousine for $90.
We needed transportation and would rather look eccentric than poor.
To add to the effect, we colored it powder blue with house paint and a brush.
At a gas station two tough guys said they knew the car and we owed big money there.
We'd never been there before in our life!
I floored it and sped away at four miles an hour.
ON A DIET. Late last night we were sitting quietly at the kitchen table.
I lifted my bowl of corn flakes, and said this to Misty: "Beer."
She lifted her tangerine to me and said: "Ice cream."
I was talking with Grandpa Jones about a mutual friend, a country music star.
Grandpa was worried that our friend was taking a lot of drugs.
I said, "He takes drugs?" Grandpa said, "Why, he'd take a overcoat button!"
When I write a new song I sing it to Misty first.
If she says, "That's really nice" I know it isn't.
I have to work on the song until she gives the right reaction.
It's sort of an excitement in her eyes... sometimes even a tear.
She's my final editor.
I said, "Did you wear mittens in the Winter?" Misty said, "Intermittently."
I think the best time in our life was the three years before our first hits.
We played in the same lounge, had a steady income and hope for the future.
All we had to do was entertain the crowd and keep them coming in.
Problems were minor and there was time for fun.
Once I was just standing in a department store... bored... waiting for Misty.
I was wearing jeans, cowboy boots and hat, a denim shirt, and a leather vest.
A lady came up and felt the leather of my vest, thinking I was a mannequin.
I coughed and she did a fright dance.
Misty often keeps glasses on top of her head.
The birds think she's looking at them.
I was sitting by the window listening to the sound of emptiness.
This is not like listening to no sound at all,
because the sound of emptiness contains all the things you hoped would be in it,
and all the sounds that once were.